Tag: Empathy

The Secret of Interpersonal Communication

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Becoming an effective communicatorEffective Communication

I am sure that you have already attended a communications training of some sort in your life; be it to improve your communication skills, your team collaboration or to learn particular tools and methods that were supposed to enable you to become a better, more effective communicator.

As I wrote in an earlier post, communications is much more than its mere verbal aspect let alone a set of tools and measures:

Following a study of Albert Mehrabian, an American Psychologist, who looked into which aspects of communications are relevant to the actual understanding of information thus to effectively communicating:

  • The verbal aspect only accounts for 7 % (hence the content of what you are saying)
  • 38 % come from the paraverbal aspect of communication (intonation, cadence, volume or pace ) and surely not surprising:
  • 55 % from the non-verbal aspects.

BeatenbergOver the last weekend, I have been exploring a technique called “Insight Dialogue” which was recommended to me and really is mindfulness and awareness applied to interpersonal communications. While you pause and relax, you provide yourself with the opportunity to tune into your own feelings and emotions, stepping out of the habitual trigger-response mechanism and opening up, allowing (mutual) space for response rather than reactivity. While you trust what emerges and listen deeply, you finally propose an answer or input, which is truly beneficial to your counterpart or dialogue partners. You remain integer and compassionate not being entangled in emotions or feelings and clinging to words wanting to steer the conversation your way.

What a great way of connecting with each other and having a meaningful conversation. I am now even more passionate about including these techniques into my training, coaching and consulting work. Insight Dialogue certainly offers a wonderful way towards working on Self-Awareness and Management, Social Awareness and Relationship-Management all at the Center of Emotional Intelligence thus at the heart of Mindful Leadership.

How big are your windows?

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Window and WallI hope you all enjoyed a lovely break over Easter! While spring is slowly coming in – at least in this part of the world – I found this Eskimo quote, which I would like to share with you:

“Don’t let the windows of your home be so small that the light of the sun cannot enter your rooms.” (found here)

Have a great rest of the week and stay tuned for more posts on mindful leadership, diversity and intercultural communications! Jenny

Trust: An Important Ingredient for Effective Communications

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Touching the stone wall
Having worked lately with various groups of people on effective internal communications and  team building it struck me again how the trust factor remains of major importance for any successful intervention.

Not only trust and confidence in the capabilities of the facilitator but also trust in team members, collaborators and most and foremost trust in the participants themselves and in their own capabilities. Obviously, this trust has to be established and participants need to be ready to listen to their inner feelings and intuitions….this sounds like an easy exercise but as a matter of fact, for many it is the most difficult  – as the most unusual – part.

As we all know, it is not possible not to communicate: our non-verbal signs and behaviour already give clues to our counterpart about what is going on (even if this often happens unconsciously), before the conversation per se has started. Being aware of how your own body behaves and moves in space and how others might perceive this, is in fact a first step towards more self-awareness and from that to trust in your own abilities and capacities. Adding empathy, curiosity and openness to others, you will have a strong basis for building relationships of trust and thus effective communications and effective intercultural communications.

Are you willing to trust and be mindful about how your own body relates to external stimuli and how you and your actions are perceived by others?

 

 

Effective Communication: no need to be born with it!

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“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.” – Brian Tracy


participative meeting

Even though communication skills are so important to success in the workplace, there are many individuals who find these skills to be a stumbling block to their progress. They struggle to convey their thoughts and ideas in an accurate manner, making it difficult to move forward and nearly impossible to lead well. Things even get more complicated when communication happens between actors of different cultures through times zones and maybe even virtual means of communication.

However, there is hope for anyone who finds communicating to be difficult! These skills can be practiced and learned. It takes learning about how communication works, how to communicate exactly what it is you want to say, what mode of communication is best, and what factors are influencing the ability for you to send and receive messages with acumen.

Leaders and staff have to first understand the theory and best practices of what effective communication actually is about; then, through role plays and practical examples as well as case studies directly taken from their work environments, they should get a feel about how they communicate (verbally and non-verbally) and how others are perceiving their efforts.

Finally, written communication is a topic on its own and should be looked at separately: knowing what happens in your body when receiving unwanted mails, practicing empathy, and responding mindfully; truly  necessary ingredients for any effective communication in the office and elsewhere!

Want to know more? Looking forward to hearing from you,

Jenny

 

Are you able to let go of your fears?

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Self Leadership

I just watched an extremely powerful TEDx San Diego talk of Koelle Simpson, the horse whisperer… amazing how she describes her work with horses and draws the parallel to empathy, compassion and mindful leadership. I always heard that learning and working with horses can be a great experience but this talk really brings it to the point: by letting go of your own fears and by simply listening to your intuition and being yourself, people around you will start mirroring what you are doing and and how you are behaving because this is how we are build, neurologically speaking. You always hear “walk the talk” but this TEDx talk, powerfully shows, how true this actually is… Enjoy watching and let me know how you felt!

Jenny

Reality versus Perception: Our Brain at Work

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Map

Lately I came across a very nice quote referring to the differences that exist between beliefs and reality:

“The map is not the territory” from Alfred Korzybski

This quote illustrates very nicely that your reality (what you believe is true and objective, thus your ‘world’), is nothing else than an inner representation of the external realities and the world that you are observing and living in. Your perceptions create the “map of the world”. This map helps you navigate in the “real world”, through daily experiences and impressions. Like a road map it gives you landmarks for moving forward towards your destination and various codes and rules let you interpret and understand what is happening, what you can do and what you cannot.

Thus, there is “your” reality (the map) and the outside world (the territory) and there will always be differences between the two. Our human brain notices what is happening around us (in the territory) through our senses and then proceeds to filtering the received information in order to be able to use them and not to create an ‘overflow’ of stimuli.

Let me give you an example: Imagine your manager comes in and sees you sitting at your desk which is overflowing with paper and other things. He or she simply says: “You have a full desk”. Depending on your background, education, culture, previous experiences etc. you might be thinking: “Oh, he/she said that I am not organized”; or you might think something like “Oh, he/she notices that I have a lot on my plate” or anything in between. There are many different ways of interpreting what has been said and whatever you might have understood will trigger your reactions and your thoughts after that. Somebody observing the scene on the other hand, might interpret something completely different as he/she would have a very different view on the world. So, what is “real” and what not?

As you can see, there is only one situation happened: one territory. The possible representation hereof (the maps) however, i.e. how people perceive this situation can have many different facets and aspects.

Next time you find yourself in a difficult situation, you might want to think about what “really” happened (the facts) and what your interpretation, your judgment and your subjective view of the event was. You might even want to seek clarification from the person involved in the action clearly asking what was meant (if at all possible). The important thing to remember here is that you choose how you react and if at all… opening up to what really happened and what you saw, heard, felt, might help you change your behavior over time, which will in turn change the way others react upon you.

Thanks for reading! Jenny

Leading yourself – your inner child

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self-leadership

Did you know that whatever age you might have, there always is an inner child in you, in need of appreciation, affection, warmth and security? Every age that you have lived through is still in you: in your consciousness, unconsciousness, your cells…

It might therefore well be that suddenly you react in a certain way which might feel awkward in a given situation and which is not like the ‘you’ that you normally are when being around people.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in such a situation, where I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, starting with tingling in the stomach, not being able to concentrate anymore…. In order to get rid of that feeling, I thought I needed to do something, i.e. speak up and let the other people know that something was not alright. In the end, it made it worse as I was not able to voice my discomfort in a neutral and objective way (which I normally can do quite well); my counterpart reacted defensive and nobody was feeling any better.

Reflecting about this situation at a later stage, I identified that this deep discomfort was actually something that I carried around with me since quite some time, popping up at one moment or the other. I then decided to look inside and make ‘contact’ with the part of me that felt afraid and unwell asking what I could do to make it feel better. For me, meditation and self-reflection works best for becoming more self-aware and finding ways out of the ‘tunnel’; for you it might be some other technique. It could also be helpful to write down a question with your strong hand and then draw or write the answer with your other, more creative hand. You could be surprised at what comes out!

Being able to lead yourself in a way that allows for compassion, empathy and a feeling of comfort is the first step towards leading others. If you are not happy with who you are and what you are, not being able to rest within yourself and being kind, how do you want to lead others in an emotionally intelligent way?

Words are Windows or They’re Walls

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Window and Wall

I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, Before I go I’ve got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense, Before I speak in hurt or fear, Before I build that wall of words, Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say, Things that mean so much to me, If my words don’t make me clear, Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words, To the feelings that we share.

 

By Ruth Bebermeyer taken from Marshall Rosenberg’s book: Nonviolent Communication, 2nd Edition, page 20.

Easy and powerful stress-reduction technique

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Heart Meditation

To end the weekend, I want to share an excellent technique called “quick coherence” from www.heartmath.org with you that I am often using when working in a training or coaching setting. It is very useful when starting a session, in order to reduce anxiety, stress or frustration; of course it can also be used at home or in preparation of difficult conversations or meetings. It is said to create positive changes in your heart rhythms, sending powerful signals to the brain that can improve how you are feeling and thus how you are acting and behaving.

  • Step 1: Heart Focus.

Focus your attention on the area around your heart, the area in the center of your chest. If you prefer, the first couple of times you try it, place your hand over the center of your chest to help keep your attention in the heart area.

  • Step 2: Heart Breathing.

Breathe deeply but normally and feel as if your breath is coming in and going out through your heart area. Continue breathing with ease until you find a natural inner rhythm that feels good to you.

  • Step 3: Heart Feeling.

As you maintain your heart focus and heart breathing, activate a positive feeling. Recall a positive feeling, a time when you felt good inside, and try to re-experience the feeling. One of the easiest ways to generate a positive, heart-based feeling is to remember a special place you’ve been to or the love you feel for a close friend or family member or treasured pet. This is the most important step.